Letting Go of Resistance

“What we resist, persists” so the mystics tell us!  Here is what to do instead…
In my last newsletter I wrote about abundance and suggested some ways of shifting into the feeling of abundance, which is essential for creating abundance in life.  During conversations with a clients who read my newsletter, I realized that some people may be confusing “shifting” into this feeling or that feeling with “resisting” or denying what they are feeling.  Resisting or denying is not, however, productive at all.  Anything that we resist persists so all the mystical teachings tell us (and experience confirms.)  
Resisting actually causes problems for us because it puts us in a state of conflict.  (I will write more about denial specifically in another newsletter but it’s pretty much the same in that denial is resisting, yes?)  When we instead enter into a peaceful relationship with whatever we’re resisting, we can be open to resolution.  This is true no matter what it is you’re resisting: the demands of your boss, the desires of your spouse, your child’s attitude.  It doesn’t matter what you are resisting, if you are resisting it, it’s going to cause you problems.
Though the process is the same whatever we may be inclined to resist, we’re going to talk here about feelings and thoughts coming up that are not what we want.  Rather than resisting them, trying to push them away, getting upset at ourself for having them, thinking we’ve done something wrong, we just get into a softer space of allowing.  If we allow them, and let them inform us, we can learn what we need to learn. Then from that place of willingness, we will be open to shifting into alignment with what we truly want. 
Here’s an example:  Imagine a woman is intending prosperity and she finds herself worrying about how she will pay her mortgage at the end of the month.  Rather than “resist” the feeling of worry, she has to start from the place of acceptance.  Accepting that she “feels worry,” she can then step into witness mode and allow her feeling of worry to inform her.  As witness, she might notice that she has just $1200 in her bank account and her mortgage is more than that and due in less than two weeks.  So she can learn from this that it is her willingness to give into the so-called evidence that is causing her worry.  Then, she can assure herself that there is no need to draw a conclusion that she doesn’t want here.  Staying open to the many possibilities of how the situation might resolve allows her to move back into a feeling of abundance.  She can begin to notice again all that she has in her life and how abundant she really is.  Even noticing the abundance in the universe, the air we breathe is limitless, the trees and the flowers we can see and smell are everywhere for us to enjoy.  
Notice in the example that the woman started with acceptance and moved gently back into alignment with her intention of abundance.  There is no scolding, no chastising, no upset with the self.  There is true acceptance of where one is, then a witnessing, and a gentle conversation from a place of willingness (not willfulness) which brings one back into alignment.
So take time to be open to whatever shows up for you.  Have the willingness to learn from your feelings and thoughts that you don’t want.  Don’t resist them.  At the same time, don’t give in to them, and spend the day focusing on them.  Enter into a friendly conversation with them and become the witness.  From this place, you can move back into alignment with what you truly want.
SPECIAL NOTE:  You are here on this planet to be in a state of love, peace, joy and prosperity.  You have a unique purpose on this planet and you are here fulfill that purpose and to SHINE in the process!  My Law of Attraction course is designed to help you in ALL of these areas.  If you could use more joy, peace, prosperity and love in your life, enroll in one of my courses today!  I have a live course offered in New Smyrna Beach, Florida, and an online course that gives you email access to me with questions at any time during your study.  I also offer one-on-one coaching and mentoring programs that give you intense study in whatever staging area(s) of your life you would like to improve.  This work is my passion and my heart and I would be honored to share it with you and assist you on your journey to opening to more of who you are here to be!
Love and blessings,
PamelaIf you like this, show me some love and like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.  See the icons to do so on the upper right!  And please forward to anyone you know who might appreciate this.

Wealth and Abundance for All

I have many clients come to my work interested in creating abundance or wealth in their lives.  It’s the staging area, next to relationships, that people I work with struggle in the most.  I’ve gone through my own struggles in this area.  One of the most important things we can do is begin to recognize what we are believing around money and wealth.  What was operating for me for a long time was the belief that I had to do something I didn’t love to make lots of money.  So certainly this was fulfilling itself in my life. I was able to make lots of money while I was doing work that was not my heart’s desire but the moment I tried to do what I loved, the money stopped flowing.

It takes shifting out of those self-limiting beliefs to change what we are creating.  And remember it’s not important to even know when or why you adopted the limiting belief. Shifting it is a choice we can consciously make any time we choose.

One common limiting belief that I hear from clients is that some people are destined to have money, while others are not.  And they give in to the notion that they themselves are not one of the lucky ones with a destiny of wealth.

In the consciousness as cause model we learn in studying the Law of Attraction principles, we have to accept radical responsibility for what shows up our my lives. Our beliefs and intentions are what are creating our reality, and they are our own choice.  Now that doesn’t take anything away from the mysteries of the universe and the fact that ultimately we co-create with the Field.  We are, still, the creators with the Field working through us its magic of creation.

A new more empowering belief is that we can choose to believe in our prosperity at any time and it is our beliefs, not our “destiny” that are determining and creating our reality.

Another common belief is that it’s selfish or greedy to desire wealth and prosperity.  But in reality, the desire for wealth is a very normal way human beings seek more life.  Just as flower seeds dropped into the earth spring into growth, sprouting up into buds and eventually blooming, for us to seek the capacity for a larger life and more fulfillment, whether monetarily, creatively or whatever, is what we are here for.  Wealth is one avenue that can allow us more creative expression of who we are.

If prosperity in any form is something you struggle with, take some time this week to consider any limiting beliefs you may have about money, wealth or abundance.  Decide to replace them with an empowering beliefs that will plant the seed of abundance in you.

Take some time also to begin to notice and be grateful for all the abundance, the unlimited supply, in the universe.  You have plenty of air to breathe, plenty of food to eat.  Begin to deeply appreciate all the wealth and abundance you already possess.

As you replace old beliefs with empowering ones and step into the consciousness of gratefulness, you will begin identifying with the feeling of abundance.  Let your consciousness become one of an abundant person.  Feel that with every part of your being.  Remember that it is not conditions in the outer world we are concerned with.  It’s the inner fulfillment.  A billionaire can have a miser mentality and feel a sense that there is never enough.  A person of little means can feel the meal in front of him is a king’s feast.  Don’t be swayed by any factual events in your life.  Let your inner world be one of abundance and see what shifts for you.

Love and blessings!

Pamela

What Freedom Really Means

Happy Independence Day!

Freedom is a huge topic and we talk all the time about “freedom from debt” the “freedom that money brings” and “freedom of choice”  and hundreds of other freedom related ideas.  The most important and maybe even only real freedom we have is the freedom to choose what we believe about ourselves and the world.  Since it’s impossible to control the actions of others and even our own actions stem from what we believe, it is essential to be vigilant about what we choose to believe about ourselves and everything around us.  In our freedom to believe, we simply say “yes” or “no” choosing wisely what to give ourselves to.  We have to say “no” to what is not our best version of self.  Like shedding an old skin, we can shed old versions of ourselves that no longer serve us.  It requires saying “no” to the old payoffs that allow us to stay stuck in old and now unfulfilling ways of being in the world.  By doing this and staying aligned with our new version of self, we are saying “yes” to who we want to be and what we most want in the world.

Then after we say “yes,”  we have to remain married to that ideal.  Rather than looking around drawing conclusions that are not in alignment with our new self, we have to say “yes” to our own creative authority.  Refusing to take the evidence at hand as “reality” when it’s not what we want is saying YES to our own authority and then resting in the peace and fulfillment that is ours in that.  Our greatest freedom is the freedom to choose what we to believe.  Don’t draw a conclusion unless it is one you want. Stay poised in the perfect unfolding of what you most desire.  When we choose empowering beliefs and remain uncontradicted in them, we shift our consciousness.  And with that shift comes a self that responds in new ways, acts in accordance with the chosen reality.  This allows the mysteries of the universe to bring us the ways and means of a reality in accordance with our new self.  Saying “yes” to what we want and staying true to that ideal in consciousness, insures us of a reality of that which we desire or something better.  When we willingly let go of the “old self,” we allow the new self to emerge effortlessly and bring us all that our heart desires.  And we do this all by choosing what to believe.

Exert your freedom today.  Choose what you will believe.

And speaking of beliefs, I have created a course to help you discover what your limiting beliefs are and shift into a greater version of yourself by accessing your own inner authority.  Read on for more info.

I hope that you will come join me for this powerful course: Law of Attraction: Using the LOA To Manifest What You Want in Every Area of Your Life.  I guarantee it will ROCK YOUR WORLD.

Five Secrets to Successfully Using the Law of Attraction to Manifest What you Want in Your Life

“We have to thank our partners our friends, everyone who shows up in our lives.  They are telling us what we believe about ourselves and showing us who we are being in the world.”  PRTatum

SECRET # 1:  RADICAL RESPONSIBILITY:  ACCEPT–100% RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR EXPERIENCES. The first secret is very basic to Law of Attraction practice, but one so many people overlook it or even deny.  We must accept radical responsibility–that is 100% responsibility–for what we experience, even when it appears to be the will of others or external conditions.

SECRET # 2:  UNDERSTAND THAT OUR DESIRES ARE NOT CREATIVE.  So what is?  Our consciousness.  And deep in our consciousness is our intentions, our beliefs and what we identify with.  OUR BELIEFS & IDENTITY INTENTIONS are creating our reality.  These can be conscious or unconscious.  Unfortunately people unconsciously intend all the time  and then have things show up in their lives and wonder, HOW DID I CREATE THIS?

SECRET # 3:  KNOW WHAT HAS TO CHANGE IS US.  We must change ourselves–at the level of consciousness in order to change what’s showing up in our lives.  We have to dig deep to discover our unconscious beliefs and identity intentions and then begin to replace them with conscious beliefs and intentions.  We don’t seek to change anything in the world, but instead, we change ourselves.  As the great Confucius wrote,“Great is the man who can overcome the world, but greater still is the man who can overcome himself, for he will have the world spinning on the palm of his hand.” 

SECRET # 4:  ALLOW THINGS TO HAPPEN RATHER THAN WILLING THEM TO HAPPEN.  We can run around the world trying to force this or tackle that to the ground, visualizing, chanting affirmations, etc. but usually we are met with failure.  Even our successes we achieve this way are short-lived.  Allowing is irresistible to the Universe.  When we move out of a state of suffering–trying to tackle everything we want to the ground–into a state of willingness, nonresistance, and peace, we experience a sense of joy.  Then the universe simply corresponds to who we are.

SECRET # 5:  THE LAW OF ATTRACTION IS NOT JUST A THEORY; IT REQUIRES PRACTICE.   It’s not enough to understand the basics of law of attraction theory.  We must practice it in a moment-by-moment way of deliberate creating.  (And BTW this LOA theory is supported by the New Physics, which you will learn about if you take my course.)

Most of us have spent our lives believing that the world is cause and we are its effect.  The new paradigm requires a shift in consciousness, where we transcend that belief and come to understand that evidence doesn’t show us what to believe, we believe and therefore we see the evidence.

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If you would like to learn ALL the secrets of the Law of Attraction, learn how to practice CONSCIOUS INTENDING on a daily basis, learn to uncover your unconscious self-limiting beliefs and identity intentions and re intend consciously what you truly want and receive it, please come join me for this powerful course.  I guarantee it will ROCK YOUR WORLD.

Starting Soon: Law of Attraction Foundations:  How to Manifest What You Want in Every Area of Your Life.   (A Six-Week Course)  REGISTER HERE

WHEN:  6-7:30PM, Wednesdays, July 11-August 15th

WHERE:   The Hub on Canal, 132 Canal Street, New Smyrna Beach FL 32169

TUITION:  $150.  Register with a buddy/friend for only $125 each
WHAT YOU WILL LEARN:

  • How and why the Law of Attraction works and how to use it to attract whatever you want in your life.
  • How to identify AND replace unconscious beliefs and identity intentions that are holding you back.  Those are the roadblocks preventing you from having what you want in your life.
  • How to become a conscious creator in every staging area of your life
  • How to stop letting past hurts or traumas hold you back
  • What you can have what you want in your life now!

And much more!  REGISTER HERE

During this course you can work on any or all of life’s four main staging areas:  Love & Relationship,  Money & Abundance,  Life Direction, Health & Wellness.  You will learn what LOA really is and how to practice it to receive the benefits.  You will have the added support of others on the same journey which is very powerful. You will receive individual assistance from Pamela during class if you want it.   You will also receive email support from Pamela and lots of love!This course is going to show you how to attract what you want, who you want, effortlessly!

I look forward to seeing you there!

REGISTER HERE 

Pamela

Love Yourself Better

Hey everyone,

I hope all you mothers out there had a wonderful Mother’s Day and felt LOVED and SPECIAL as you are!

I want to talk to you today about being in love.  Being in love is really what life is all about, isn’t it? And I don’t mean just being in love with a man or woman.   I mean, if we were all in love with our lives, including our partners, our careers, and ourselves, we would have little to complain about and we’d have unlimited enthusiasm for everything we want to accomplish.
And the most important love affair we can have is with ourselves.  If we truly love ourselves,  we don’t beat ourselves up for not being perfect, we accept the dark parts of ourselves as well as the light.  We accept our broken hearts and broken promises, our resignation and our fears.  We accept ourselves right where we are now in our growth and development, recognizing that we are exactly where we should be—even if there is more work to do.

Self love means not settling for less than what truly makes you happy.  Sure we all have to do our taxes and clean the bathroom, but if we spend hours a day at a job we hate or spend year after year in a relationship that is not really fulfilling, then we are putting out our own light one day at a time.

What if today you make a commitment to yourself to choose just one way you can love yourself better.  Maybe you want to take a course, exercise more, or talk nicer to yourself and others.

If you commit to this one small change and follow through for three months, it will become a habit for you.  You won’t want to stop.  Be specific on how you will implement the change.  For example, I’m going to take an art class.  I am going to walk three times a week.  Loving yourself better might even be about starting to look for a job that feeds your soul or starting your own business.  So for the next three months, you might commit to sending out three resumes a week or building your website. Being specific helps you to know that you are following through on your commitment.  It gives you “measurable goals.”  But the real yardstick here is how you feel.  If you feel more loved and appreciated and valued by yourself, then you’ve succeeded; and guess what, you will then attract more love and appreciation from others.

Loving our Self is the first step to creating a life that we are in love with.  And  really, there is no better feeling than waking up every day in love with who you are, in love with your partner, and in love with your life.

Love and blessings,

Pamela

Launch Day! And the 10 Most Important Questions

Hi Everyone,

Today is the Launch Day for my 90 Days to Transformation program, YAY!   Yes, I know, it’s a few days late.  But good reason:  I got a brand new Mac Book Pro and have been transferring all my data, etc.  It was a bigger job than I thought and took longer than anticipated.  Finally, my computer is up and running and my program is going to be launched at 8PM EST tonight!  You will have until midnight Sunday to take advantage of the advanced registration deal ($100 off AND a special bonus!)  This program is designed to help you have those shifts that you need and want to make, the ones that are going to put you on a trajectory to happiness and fulfillment.  MORE TO COME THIS EVENING!

Now here’s some help if you’re having trouble making a decision?  Here are 10 powerful questions that you can use to help you:

The Ten Most Revealing Questions: to ask about any choice or decision

1) Will this choice or decision propel me towards an inspiring future or will it keep me stuck in my past?
2) Will this choice bring long-term fulfillment or short-term gratification?
3) Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?
4) Am I looking for what’s right or looking for what’s wrong?
5) Will this choice add to my life force or rob me of, or reduce my energy?
6) Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve, or will I use it to beat myself up?
7) Does this choice empower or dis-empower me?
8) Is this an act of self-love or self-sabotage?
9) Is this an act of faith or fear?
10) Am I choosing from Divinity or my humanity?

Ultimately, I have found that if we tune into our Higher Self, our Divinity within, by getting quiet and listening, we can pretty quickly get in touch with our truth and know what to do in any situation.  However, in times when there’s too much chatter going on in our heads to hear our Higher Self, we can use these questions as a gauge.  They can be our compass back to our divinity.

Love and blessings,
Pamela

STAY TUNED FOR THE LAUNCHING OF 90 Days to Transformation at 8PM EST!

The Healing Power of Love

“Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything and love is all there is.”  Gary Zukov

Today I want to talk to you about the healing power of love.  I know that many of you already know first hand how healing love can be, but did you know that there is scientific research to prove it?

Well there is.  A growing amount of scientific research supports that love and intimacy are amazingly healing and, in fact, are more important in healing than any other factor.   World-renowned physician, researcher and author, Dean Ornish, M.D.,has been a leading contributor to this body of research.  In this his book, Love and Survival:  The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy, he writes, “I am not aware of any other factor in medicine that has a greater impact on our survival than the healing power of love and intimacy. Not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery.”

It’s not just romantic love relationships that can be healing:  all relationships have the potential power to heal, but there is something unique about love relationships in that they can blast our hearts wide open and therefore have the power to transform us emotionally and spiritually.  

We’re all familiar with the highs of new romance:  our neurotransmitters are dancing and we are high on love.  We become more open and vulnerable at this time and can have experiences which allow us to open more to who we really are.  We are glimpsing the divine in each other, and that has the powerful effect of allowing us to feel the divine in ourselves.

What happens, however, is that as the new wears off and the neurotransmitters in our brain calm down, we begin to find fault with our partner.  The partner we once projected all our light upon we now begin to project our darkness.  Buttons get pushed, old unresolved issues are activated, and hearts begin to close little by little, one disappointed moment after another.  This living unconsciously and projecting our stuff onto our partner is how potentially great relationships are destroyed or made mediocre or barely endurable every day.   It is possible, however, for couples to grow in their love and commitment after the attraction phase ends and they move into the attachment phase. YES IT IS POSSIBLE!!!

After the attraction phase, when we move into the attachment phase of a relationship, different hormones are produced in the brain.  And for those who don’t get scared and run away or allow themselves to let the fighting take over and ruin their love, this is when the deeper healing can begin.  When you feel you’re in a relationship that’s healthy and that will endure, you feel safe to be more vulnerable.  The layers upon layers of those old wounds begin to peel away allowing you to open up to deeper and deeper parts of yourself.  Both partners can experience profound healing when this kind of intimacy is achieved.    

If  we do our own inner work and learn to live in our hearts, then when the new wears off,  we can actually experience a deepening of our love as the projections fade and are replaced by a clearer sense of who we are and who our partner is.   A truer, deeper intimacy develops when we stay committed to nurturing our relationship and allowing it to grow and become richer.

The two most important thing we can do to experience the true healing power of intimacy is to learn to live in the hearts and learn to resolve conflicts peacefully and respectfully–which I have written much about in the past month.  This is truly what it takes.

By living in your heart you will avoid getting into the old reactive battles common to many couples, and instead, you will be able to handle conflicts from a place of love.  You will be able to help each other heal rather than wounding each other more deeply.  And this healing leads to each partner blossoming into more of who they really are.

Love and blessings,
Pamela

P.S.   I hope you are getting excited about my  90 Days to Transformation program. It’s coming VERY SOON!  April 25th to be exact. This is a program designed to help you have those shifts that need and want to make, the ones that are going to put you on a trajectory to happiness and fulfillment.   Stay tuned for more details.

Fight or Flight or Something Else

Two weeks ago I wrote about how to work through disagreements without fighting which included several steps to stop the craziness that can ensue when people get triggered.
Today, I want to begin by explaining what happens physically and psychologically when we are triggered and invite you to take action to change that pattern.

When we are triggered, we go into “fight or flight” mode.  According to Neil Neimark, M.D., “the ‘fight or flight response’ is our body’s primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to ‘fight’ or ‘flee’ from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival.”  

When our fight or flight response is activated, adrenaline, cortisol and 30 different hormones are released into our bloodstream and our bodies experience a series of very dramatic changes. Our breath gets shorter, our veins constrict to send more blood to our limbs and major muscle groups so that we are prepared to fight or escape.  Our  awareness of our surroundings intensifies; our pupils dilate to take in more light and sharpen our sight.  Our impulses quicken and we focus on the big picture.  We are no longer able to see details or subtleties.  Almost everything in our immediate environment at this moment is perceived as a threat, and our bodies are prepared both physically and psychologically to find the enemy and either fight or flee.  

Millions of years ago the fight or flight reflex served us well.  We needed that burst of adrenaline rush just to survive.  It came in quite handy when we needed to grab the baby and run for our lives from the saber tooth tiger.

Although we rarely need this mechanism in our lives today, this ancient response is being activated frequently and is untouched by our evolution psychologically and spiritually.  When our fight or flight system is activated, we still tend to perceive everything in our environment as a possible threat to our survival. And we react that way, as though it’s life or death.   Our rational mind–where our logic and reason reside–is bypassed and we go straight into attack mode.

The answer is to recognize when we are triggered and to be able to stop ourselves in our tracks BEFORE we move full force into ‘fight or flight” mode. To do this we need to use the moment between stimulus (the immediate cause of our upset) and response–that tiny bit of time where we can still have a rational thought–to recognize what’s about to happen and then, change the course.  
If we take that moment and realize that we’ve been triggered and that we are about to move into “fight or flight” mode, we can–if we train ourselves–take a step back and shift ourselves back into our rational mind.  It helps if we immediately focus on changing our breathing to long and deep.  Then we can mentally recognize that we are in no danger.  It also helps to take a moment to force ourselves to see all the details of where we are and whom we are with.  See the reality of the situation.  Usually we are with someone we love and care about and the last thing we want to do it hurt them.  We may be feeling hurt in that moment, but if we step back and realize that this person loves and cares about us, we know they are not intentionally hurting us.  Try to give your partner, family member, or friend, the benefit of thinking that although they may have hurt you, they have not intentionally done so.  When we assume the worst, we allow ourselves to go into fight or flight mode and to react without thinking.

What you do when you are triggered determines the quality of your life and your relationships.  If you react with raised voice, anger, stabbing words, the joy and peace you find in your life will be very limited.  If you run away and shut down each time, you will be equally disappointed at the quality of your life and relationships.  If you decide to take the third option: not fighting, not fleeing, but going inside and stopping that “go to battle or run like hell” response, you will dramatically increase your joy and peace.

I invite you to begin today to train yourself to move from your instinctual, animalistc iresponse to a more spiritual and thoughtful one.  One way to increase your ability to catch yourself before your move into fight or flight mode is to spend time in meditation and/or quiet reflection each day.  Take some quiet time to walk, to be in nature, to sit in a hot bath–whatever works for you.

Just being with yourself and feeling your connection to the divine really does help so much because when we feel our oneness with everyone on the planet, we understand that we are not here to battle.  We understand that what we negatively project onto others is a reflection of our own perceived inadequacies about ourselves.
Try taking some quiet time each evening to process your day and a few quiet moments each morning to imagine and intend the peace and joy you want for your day.  If you do, you will find that it’s so much easier to find restraint when you get triggered, and it will be so much easier to take the third road.  Rather than fight or flight, you will take the road that leads to peace, to joy, and to fulfillment in all of your relationships.

Shift from Fighting to Intimacy

This week I’m inviting you to take the most important challenge ever for your relationship…
I am going to invite you to take special care of the relationship with your partner–if you have one.  And if you are not in a committed relationship, this is a technique you can use when you do get into a relationship.  Or if you have close family relationships in which your buttons get pushed, this information will be very helpful for you.

So if you’ve been in a deep, loving relationship you know already that sometimes buttons get pushed.  It‘s a fact that when we are in an intimate, loving relationship, our we get triggered, and the more deep, loving and amazing the relationship is, the more intensely we are triggered.  To be “triggered” means that some issue in our subconscious is activated which puts us into fight-flight mode.  Thus we react unconsciously, and often afterwards we feel that we were not in control.  We literally react as though we are fighting for our lives.  

When this kind of fighting happens, many people begin to second guess the whole relationship.  But here’s the deal:  it’s actually natural and normal to be triggered when you love someone.  And again, the deeper the love, the more intense the triggering can be.  What this means is more potential for fighting and thus destroying the love.

Being deeply in love and in relationship with another person is so powerful that we come face to face with our own issues. Usually when we get triggered, what has happened has little to do with what’s actually happening now and everything to do with something that happened before you were five years old. That’s why our subconscious is triggered, because these events are not stored in our conscious memory.  Remember that these events aren’t necessarily traumatic in and of themselves–although many are.  Sometimes it’s just that to a child they were traumatic.  For example, Daddy gets a new job and suddenly begins leaving each Sunday afternoon to go out of town to work and comes home on Fridays.   This is not traumatic in and of itself to to a four year old who is used to being with Daddy every night, it can be traumatic and leave the child feeling abandoned by her father, a feeling which can then be triggered by her partners in later years.  No one–even in the best of circumstances–makes it through childhood unscathed.  So we all have “stuff” that can be “triggered.”

In a new relationship, the disagreements that trigger our old stuff usually begin to occur fairly quickly after the glow of new love wears off.  These disagreements usually lead to some form of fighting and the pattern will continue throughout the relationship at varying intervals–unless some strategies are implemented to prevent the disagreements from leading to fighting.  Some couples fight more, some less, but only on rare occasion is there a healthy, strong love relationship where there is no triggering–thus no conflict.

Most people either lose the relationship because they don’t know how to deal with conflict and fighting.  Or even more sad, they stay in the relationship but numb out and no longer feel the intimate emotional or sexual connection they did in the beginning.  Some people I’ve coached say that they never fight anymore.  But they know not to bring up this or try to talk about that.  Avoidance with your partner is no better than fighting; in fact, it’s a sign that one or both partners have checked out emotionally and are no longer invested in the relationship, at least with their whole hearts.  As issues are not discussed and resolved, doors close and more doors close, and ultimately, the relationship dies.

The good news is that conflict can be used to bring more intimacy in the relationship.  There are techniques that will actually help you to work through the conflict and then become closer and feel more connected as a result.  I am going to share one powerful technique and invite you to use this technique every time you get triggered–or your partner does–for the next 30 days.  Let this be a test and if it works for you, you can use it every time.

So here’s the technique:
Once one person is upset-either you or your partner–take a moment to STOP right there.  Once both people are upset, it’s more challenging to STOP.  Once the subconscious issues are triggered for both partners, it’s very dangerous territory.  Then the unconscious reactions take over and you’re both fighting for your lives.  This is when things can get frighteningly ugly and people say things they regret.  Over time, this kind of fighting will kill the love.  Fighting brings a lot of negative memories into the psyche regarding the other person and the love can begin to diminish.

It’s a good idea to talk with your partner about this process and have them agree to it with you.  You can do it yourself, but it will work better if your partner understands it also and you both agree to some ground rules.  And here are the ground rules.

Let the first sign of upset be like a signal of danger and a STOP sign.  Tell your partner that if either of you gets upset, you are both going to STOP talking and take three deep breaths together.

If there is one person who is NOT upset (yet– it’s only a matter of time.  If one person is triggered and things continue, the other gets triggered, too) that person should very gently say, “Okay, let’s stop for a moment and take three deep breaths together.”  Then literally breath in unison with each other.

Now, one person should decide they will HOLD THE SPACE for the other.  If there is one person who was not upset yet, let this person do this first.  In HOLDING SPACE, you will agree to do nothing but LISTEN to your partner.  Let him/her get out what they were feeling upset about.  Agree in advance to only use “I” statements.  Not, “You don’t  do this; you always do that.”  Instead, “I was feeling as though I’m not important to you because I told you about this important event I needed you to attend and you scheduled something else.”  It’s the listeners job to just listen and not respond or interrupt while their partner is talking.

Now the listener says, “I get it.  I understand you and what you’re upset about.”  There is no defending or arguing.  Just hear your partner and accept what they are feeling and ask, “What do you need now?  This lets your partner know that they are important to you and their feelings count.

You change the entire dynamic by holding space while your partner expresses themselves in a safe (and actually sacred) space, and then communicating that you “got it” –and will take it seriously –which is obvious in your question: “what do you need?” This will bring you and your partner to a higher and more sophisticated level of dealing with your upsets than most people ever experience in their relationships.

5)  Now AFTER this is resolved, if the partner who was the listener needs to express their feelings, the roles are reversed.  The other person HOLDS THE SPACE and the same process is followed.

If you “make a deal” with your partner to use this process of holding space with each other — and each of you gets to have your turn expressing without blaming, it will change everything for you.

But remember: Only one trigger at a time. Hold Space. Do the few minutes of work together.  And enjoy the rewards of deeper intimacy that comes with both you and your partner being heard and feeling resolved.

How would your relationship (or future relationship) be different if upsets that used to trigger “huge fights” can now become two people taking turns expressing themselves, and doing a little bit of work for a payoff of deeper intimacy and love?

I invite you to find out!

Love and blessings,

Pamela

Invitation # 2 Give yourself a gift

Hi there,

Last week I invited you to connect–REALLY CONNECT with each person in front of you, every moment of your day.  I know this way of living changes things dramatically for people; there is no way that this shift doesn’t create some openings.  This week, as I promised, I have a new invitation for you.  And this challenge, if you choose to accept it, will be a huge gift to yourself.

My invitation to you is to go on a TV and movie diet for 90 days. You decide how many hours a week to watch–if any.  Maybe you will decide to go cold turkey and watch zero.  My husband and I are doing this and our commitment was no TV and one movie a week.  We made it for over two weeks but did break down and watch the Academy Awards; we counted that as our movie for the week.

Be committed but be flexible:  You don’t have to be harsh with yourself.  It’s about opening up the space for something new by making little  but powerful changes. Just make the commitment that works for you, push yourself a little, but make sure you feel good about what you commit to.  Maybe you don’t watch much anyways so going to none is no big deal.  If you tend to spend a lot of time watching TV, you might even start with just cutting a couple programs.  If you watch two, give up one.

Two Approaches:
 1)   Plan ahead:  Think about what you want to do with your extra time.  Is there a book you’ve not had time to even start?  Would you like to finally begin that project you’ve been thinking about?  Or maybe you want to join a group or club to meet new people.  How about spending time with your spouse or going out more so you might meet your future spouse!  


2)  Just let it happen:  Make no plans.  Just let it unfold naturally, and see where it takes you.  (This is what I opted for, and I have to say it’s been a mini adventure!)


My husband and I began this three weeks ago as part of several changes we are making in our lives this year.  We both have lived years of our lives without owning a TV in the past, so we have experience with the rewards.  This made it simply a choice to give ourselves something precious that we’ve been missing–extra time to do something more important to us than watch TV.   And we were not big TV watchers, but we did enjoy the occasional The Actor’s Studio, Through the Wormhole, and American Idol.  I was also a Parenthood fan and would tape it and watch it on a night my husband worked late.  What seems to happen is that you watch one show and then it becomes two, then three.  Turning on the TV can be the default mode rather than a more conscious decision.

How I’m doing with the challenge: I was completely TV free for more than two weeks–until the Academy Award–and went two weeks without watching a movie also.  My husband has joined me in this and it has been such a gift to ourselves AND to our relationship.  We have been talking about the specific benefits we are receiving, which are many.

Benefits:

  • One, we spend more time together in the evening reading, talking, and meditating.
  • We used to think that we were too tired to do anything but veg out and watch TV after 8:30 at night,  but now, we are excited to sit in silence and read or listen to music while we work on a project–which is what we are doing right now.
  • We both feel more focused and clear.
  • I noted the other night that I feel more of my brain free for so many other things rather than what Idol contestant got sent home.  In the scheme of my life, so many of those things really didn’t matter.
  • I also feel I have more time to just be with my own thoughts, my own projects, and my husband. 

In many ways I think TV, movies, internet surfing, video games and the like can be distracting from what’s really important in our lives.  They can be ways of avoiding just as drugs and alcohol can be.  Do you ever feel you self-medicate with TV?  I know I have done it myself.

So I invite you today to accept this invitation to go on a TV diet for 90 days, limiting or completely going without TV programming for 90 days.   Use the time as a gift to you and your partner if you have one.  Think of things that you can do to use this time in a way that will bring you more happiness and joy.

Take the challenge and reap the rewards:  Focus on YOU and be the star in your own show, written and directed by AMAZING YOU!
Be sure to share your experiences with others on my blog.

Next week, I’m inviting you to take the most important challenge ever for your relationship.

Love and blessings,

Pamela

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